You think, death comes in the form where you find a strong enough rope, tie a noose, hang it over a wall and kick yourself off the stool. 

You think, death comes in the form where you take in the excessive amounts of pill, drinking excessive alcohol and hoping to drift away, never to be awake again. 

You think, death comes in the form where you close the windows, open the gas in the kitchen and wait for the inevitable. 

You think, death comes in the form of jumping off a high enough point, jumping into traffic, waiting for your heart to stop.

All of that is wrong, so wrong, so far from the truth. 

Death is everyday, every hour from morning to night. It happens every second with every breath you take. 

Death is remembering all of your little habits, where you like to seat, how you want your food arranged, what cologne to use.

Death is looking at the seat infront of me, once filled with vibrant and warmth, 

now filled with nothing except coldness and pain. 

Death is having to order good for one, looking at a menu and remembering what you liked to eat. 

Death is lying in bed, realising you are no longer going to receive a message. No calls, nothing.

Death is coming home to a house thay fills empty and void of your presence, walking past the places you used to linger. 

Death is staying in school till late, and having no one to accompany you for supper. 

Death is not just the cessation of your heartbeat, death is everything without your touch. Death is where my heart no longer follow wherever you go.

Death is losing sight of you, losing your touch and warmth.

Death is, 

Everything without you. 

'As they go through their day you’d never suspect the demons they fight alone – thoughts of neglect, of exclusion, of never being good enough for themselves, and certainly not for anyone else. You’d suspect that the brave face that they have for the world is the same one they have for themselves. But at day’s end, that mask comes off – it has to. They need to breathe.

But they cry because they live in a world with nothing meant for them, at least not in the way things are meant for others. They cry because their tears are their only solace; it is the only way they can ask for what they really need. Their hearts are broken but without any scars, their body cold; they are untouched and unloved. They feel it in their bones.'

keep you off

We used to be so close, we used to say we'd always stay in each other's hearts, we used to feel so real, we used to know each other so well. 

Now we're just hot and cold and i don't even know how it lead to this, you were there for me when i was getting over a bad period of time and now it seems you're a resemblence of what might lay ahead again. 

You told me not to care about those who don't care for you, but how do i know if i should continue trying if i don't know what runs through your mind

I'm a daze and kinda lonely, you're gone but you're still in me, you're gone but your words resonate within me, you're gone but i always end up thinking bout you. 

I don't have anyone to talk this too, don't have anyone that understands, don't have anyone that has time for me

all i want to do is play games, feel the thrill, stay high and forget i miss you. You used to be so real, till life did something to you

Or maybe this was a illusion i always had and you were a willing party in it

You're just hi bye now and i'm just here waiting

sometimes life get so hard for me. if i had a confirmation that i can go to heaven, i would have probably committed suicide along time ago. i just don't have the courage to leave everything behind

suzanaaaaaaaa

We started getting close on the 2nd week of CLT :) i still remember our conversation at Macs after our final run! 

We played GTA! Weren't as close yet but its something :) 

This was after our 1st GM! 

Well this was after the total defence thing right! 

This is after our 2nd day of 2 star right? If im not wrong, this is the period where we're the closest, starting our CLT journey together. 

Hahah wtf 2nd GM 

After 16th SNCO :)  

You made me really happy that day :)

Pdc!

Well, its your birthday today! While we started CLT together, our journey and experiences have been quite different! Well we aren't as closed as we used to be, but i guess every friendship has moments when we get caught up with our own stuff. But you're not forgotten! We don't text as much but i still check on your blog pretty frequently! 

You have been an amazing friend, your words and counsel has almost been appreciated. the lessons and analogies told always sink into me. I wouldn't have recovered from depression if it wasn't for your patience. So thank you. 

I might not have done much for you, but whatever i have done or said was sincere!  

You're 17 now so welcome to the cool kids club! You've been missing out so much hahahahahah tata see ya on HRC :) 

beyond

Some times you come to a conclusion that some friendships do not turn out the way you wish it would, despite the initial 'honeymoon.' 

Sometimes you come to a heartbreaking and dissapointing conclusion that certain people will not do what you would do for them. They would not go the extra mile for you, or would they repay anything. 

They say give without expecting anything in return. I'd say thats not the most achievable thing around. Its human nature to want to be reimbursed, to be endorsed for their actions, to receive some form of direct validation. 

Indirect validation do exist, but it doesn't have the same effect direct validation has on you. 

Sometimes you stumble upon someone in need of your help and you offer time, companionship, advice to help that person out. It comes to a point of time where you've helped them get back up to their feets and they simply have no space in their life, left for you. 

Its a brutal world out there, and i don't know how to survive. Some advice that stays deeply within me came from people that i might not have the fullest of trust in anymore, but why is it their words have such an impact on me? 

It was only a few days ago where i felt life was working out for me. 

There are numerous occassions when i question myself if i'm good enough. Sometimes i'm not affected by such questions but there are moments when it really weighs me down so much, like a recorder stuck in replay, continuously asking myself over and over again. 

The only possible reason why it does this to me is because it means a whole big deal to me. 

As a friend. I don't know if i'm a good friend to begin with. I try to tell myself to be the friend that a person needs, not what they want. I try to be straightforward to them and not sugarcoat my words. I try to be as sincere as possible. I try to be as helpful as possible. I try. But then is the results ever worth my effort? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. And moments when i know it isn't enough, it really hurts alot. 

I'm trying. 

As a bestfriend. I try to be as understanding as possible. As accommodating as possible. I try to always live up to my promise that i would be there for her. But sometimes i need to strike a balance between being there for her in terms of encouragement, and being there for her by allowing her to be independent. I don't want to appear as if i'm clingy or overprotective. I try to let my bestfriend be free. I don't wanna weigh her down. I try to be the best i can be. But if its worth it, i would never really know right? 

As a CLT, i try to be someone they look up to, someone my cadets know that will be there for them. I try to ensure that they benefit from training. It doesn't always have to be fun, sometimes it has to be beneficial. I try to be there for all my cadets, i try to go the extra mile for them.  But would they ever realise it? I don't really think so, i might just pass off as the typical CLT. Everyone seems to be more popular than me, more capable, more looked up to. And then theres me, just trying to keep my head above the water in this organisation. More often then not, i drown. I drown in my self doubt. I put in so much time and effort to being a good CLT but it never seems to be enough. I don't really know where to go from here, i really don't. 

Honestly, its getting real hard for me to survive all of this when it appears that no one truly sees things from my perspective. Or think about what my actions reflect. I don't know what to do, really. I used to have someone to give me real advise about many things in life, but now i'm just left alone stuck in my endless flowing of thoughts, not knowing what to believe, what to feel and what to do. 

I just need someone or something to show me that i'm okay. I keep telling myself everything will be alright and i'm doing fine but when i search deeper within myself to seek out any validation that its true, i can't find much.  

Oh my god. Does anyone even checks this place anymore? It really doesn't matter. I just want somewhere to share my honest feelings but a part of me wants someone to know whats happening to me too. Is this normal? 

Am i normal? i.dont.know.