There are numerous occassions when i question myself if i'm good enough. Sometimes i'm not affected by such questions but there are moments when it really weighs me down so much, like a recorder stuck in replay, continuously asking myself over and over again. 

The only possible reason why it does this to me is because it means a whole big deal to me. 

As a friend. I don't know if i'm a good friend to begin with. I try to tell myself to be the friend that a person needs, not what they want. I try to be straightforward to them and not sugarcoat my words. I try to be as sincere as possible. I try to be as helpful as possible. I try. But then is the results ever worth my effort? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. And moments when i know it isn't enough, it really hurts alot. 

I'm trying. 

As a bestfriend. I try to be as understanding as possible. As accommodating as possible. I try to always live up to my promise that i would be there for her. But sometimes i need to strike a balance between being there for her in terms of encouragement, and being there for her by allowing her to be independent. I don't want to appear as if i'm clingy or overprotective. I try to let my bestfriend be free. I don't wanna weigh her down. I try to be the best i can be. But if its worth it, i would never really know right? 

As a CLT, i try to be someone they look up to, someone my cadets know that will be there for them. I try to ensure that they benefit from training. It doesn't always have to be fun, sometimes it has to be beneficial. I try to be there for all my cadets, i try to go the extra mile for them.  But would they ever realise it? I don't really think so, i might just pass off as the typical CLT. Everyone seems to be more popular than me, more capable, more looked up to. And then theres me, just trying to keep my head above the water in this organisation. More often then not, i drown. I drown in my self doubt. I put in so much time and effort to being a good CLT but it never seems to be enough. I don't really know where to go from here, i really don't. 

Honestly, its getting real hard for me to survive all of this when it appears that no one truly sees things from my perspective. Or think about what my actions reflect. I don't know what to do, really. I used to have someone to give me real advise about many things in life, but now i'm just left alone stuck in my endless flowing of thoughts, not knowing what to believe, what to feel and what to do. 

I just need someone or something to show me that i'm okay. I keep telling myself everything will be alright and i'm doing fine but when i search deeper within myself to seek out any validation that its true, i can't find much.  

Oh my god. Does anyone even checks this place anymore? It really doesn't matter. I just want somewhere to share my honest feelings but a part of me wants someone to know whats happening to me too. Is this normal? 

Am i normal? i.dont.know.