sometimes life get so hard for me. if i had a confirmation that i can go to heaven, i would have probably committed suicide along time ago. i just don't have the courage to leave everything behind

suzanaaaaaaaa

We started getting close on the 2nd week of CLT :) i still remember our conversation at Macs after our final run! 

We played GTA! Weren't as close yet but its something :) 

This was after our 1st GM! 

Well this was after the total defence thing right! 

This is after our 2nd day of 2 star right? If im not wrong, this is the period where we're the closest, starting our CLT journey together. 

Hahah wtf 2nd GM 

After 16th SNCO :)  

You made me really happy that day :)

Pdc!

Well, its your birthday today! While we started CLT together, our journey and experiences have been quite different! Well we aren't as closed as we used to be, but i guess every friendship has moments when we get caught up with our own stuff. But you're not forgotten! We don't text as much but i still check on your blog pretty frequently! 

You have been an amazing friend, your words and counsel has almost been appreciated. the lessons and analogies told always sink into me. I wouldn't have recovered from depression if it wasn't for your patience. So thank you. 

I might not have done much for you, but whatever i have done or said was sincere!  

You're 17 now so welcome to the cool kids club! You've been missing out so much hahahahahah tata see ya on HRC :) 

beyond

Some times you come to a conclusion that some friendships do not turn out the way you wish it would, despite the initial 'honeymoon.' 

Sometimes you come to a heartbreaking and dissapointing conclusion that certain people will not do what you would do for them. They would not go the extra mile for you, or would they repay anything. 

They say give without expecting anything in return. I'd say thats not the most achievable thing around. Its human nature to want to be reimbursed, to be endorsed for their actions, to receive some form of direct validation. 

Indirect validation do exist, but it doesn't have the same effect direct validation has on you. 

Sometimes you stumble upon someone in need of your help and you offer time, companionship, advice to help that person out. It comes to a point of time where you've helped them get back up to their feets and they simply have no space in their life, left for you. 

Its a brutal world out there, and i don't know how to survive. Some advice that stays deeply within me came from people that i might not have the fullest of trust in anymore, but why is it their words have such an impact on me? 

It was only a few days ago where i felt life was working out for me. 

There are numerous occassions when i question myself if i'm good enough. Sometimes i'm not affected by such questions but there are moments when it really weighs me down so much, like a recorder stuck in replay, continuously asking myself over and over again. 

The only possible reason why it does this to me is because it means a whole big deal to me. 

As a friend. I don't know if i'm a good friend to begin with. I try to tell myself to be the friend that a person needs, not what they want. I try to be straightforward to them and not sugarcoat my words. I try to be as sincere as possible. I try to be as helpful as possible. I try. But then is the results ever worth my effort? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. And moments when i know it isn't enough, it really hurts alot. 

I'm trying. 

As a bestfriend. I try to be as understanding as possible. As accommodating as possible. I try to always live up to my promise that i would be there for her. But sometimes i need to strike a balance between being there for her in terms of encouragement, and being there for her by allowing her to be independent. I don't want to appear as if i'm clingy or overprotective. I try to let my bestfriend be free. I don't wanna weigh her down. I try to be the best i can be. But if its worth it, i would never really know right? 

As a CLT, i try to be someone they look up to, someone my cadets know that will be there for them. I try to ensure that they benefit from training. It doesn't always have to be fun, sometimes it has to be beneficial. I try to be there for all my cadets, i try to go the extra mile for them.  But would they ever realise it? I don't really think so, i might just pass off as the typical CLT. Everyone seems to be more popular than me, more capable, more looked up to. And then theres me, just trying to keep my head above the water in this organisation. More often then not, i drown. I drown in my self doubt. I put in so much time and effort to being a good CLT but it never seems to be enough. I don't really know where to go from here, i really don't. 

Honestly, its getting real hard for me to survive all of this when it appears that no one truly sees things from my perspective. Or think about what my actions reflect. I don't know what to do, really. I used to have someone to give me real advise about many things in life, but now i'm just left alone stuck in my endless flowing of thoughts, not knowing what to believe, what to feel and what to do. 

I just need someone or something to show me that i'm okay. I keep telling myself everything will be alright and i'm doing fine but when i search deeper within myself to seek out any validation that its true, i can't find much.  

Oh my god. Does anyone even checks this place anymore? It really doesn't matter. I just want somewhere to share my honest feelings but a part of me wants someone to know whats happening to me too. Is this normal? 

Am i normal? i.dont.know. 

For many months, you highlighted the situation whereby people were being two faced. You highlighted the fact on how people utilised their words to force others down. How people use their social authority to degrade another person's. How people make use of friendship, how they misinterpret message, how they twist their words, just so they can fufill that tiny period of self satisfactory, self fufillment, self efficacy. 

You told me the many cases of how people judged one another. How two sided they are when it comes to treating people based on their accompany. You told me how people judged you based on how you carried yourself. You told me how different you were from the rest, that you were someone that was impartial. 

You always left me thinking about this world, about how complicated and how vicious some people are. You left me thinking about who should i trust, even those close to me. You left me wondering why do people behave in certain manner and if it was a result from their past circumstances.

But today, you left me thinking if whatever you said, whatever you saw, whatever you felt, has became a part of your personality, your character, your inner being. You left me thinking if you were no different from the evil and mean people you described. You left me thinking if you were just like another pretentious, judgmental and a egoistic nut who assumes that your thoughts are right. 

You left me thinking, was i really that naive to not realise it after this long? While this could be another creation from my brain that tends to dwell too much, this certainly reinforces my belief that those closest to your heart will have the largest potential and temptation to manipulate you into one of their pawns.