Packages

She found a new group of friends and a new life; one I eventually decided I could not be a part of. She left my heart, i left her life. 

Although losing a best friend is always difficult, letting go was never a tough decision for me. Sure, it wasn't hard but the pain that comes with it was hard to live with.. I’ve been told by many that I’ve given up on friendships too easily, that I’m supposed to work to keep the friendship together, even when things get hard. I do fight for friendships, just not all. They don't see the things i do. This may be true, actually, this is definitely true, but I have found there is a difference between fighting and letting them beat you. If they are determined in their conviction, you will not change their mind. So when the war is near its end and the loss is inevitable, I think it might be better to walk away than be wounded by the final shots because eventually true friends will return to you, eventually. 

I'm a fighter, not a bidder. 

Bottom

I might not be the best CLT in my batch. But i try my best to be the best.
I might not be the best CLT in NCDCC. But i try and do my best in everything that has been given to me.
I might not be the best CLT to my cadets. But i try to be the CLT my cadets would want.

I have a different definition of what a CLT should be. I want to be a friend. A mentor. A brother. A pillar of strength. A inspiration.

I have my wrong doings. I have my short falls. I have my flaws. I have my helpless moments.
But i'm new to all this. I don't know what exactly to do at certain points of time. I'm new to all of this. I need guidance, yes. So if i did something you thought i shouldn't have done, point it out to me. Hear me out. Hear my thoughts. I'm not a cadet listening aimlessly to instructions. I'm a CLT. i'm part of the organisation. Hear me out, see things as i see it.

I can't improve if all i ever hear from you is i'm dissapointed, go home and reflect but you don't point out what i did wrong. I don't learn anything in the end. All i ever learn is that i'm such a bad CLT.

I don't want to disappoint anyone, i'm only human. Theres only so much i can achieve. This is only my 4th month into service. You can't expect me to lead with excellence and perfection. You can't possibly just think of me as incapable and uneffective. God knows how much i try to lead with every once and every bit on my essence.

You only went for your 2nd unit training. But this is my 11th Unit training. I've seen and felt the soul behind my messy unit and i'm still trying to figure out what to do. I know more of this unit then you do and you should hear me out, hear my thoughts and not force down your opinion of what kind of a CLT i should be.

I'm trying my best. Doing my best. Judge me based on what i have done for my cadets and not what i have yet to do. It isn't fair.

The best of intentions
I lay at your feet
And I need you to see past the worst part of me
I'm tired of taking my aim
When I keep on missing
There's gotta be a better way


I'm trying. I'm struggling, I'm trying to float by. Someone please save me. Someone please help me. Someone.

Two way

Been pretty busy with ncd stuff and what not recently. You see, ncd stuff is a two edged sword. It makes me happy and it makes me feel upset too. 

Happy because i'm serving cadets, i'm bringing them thru their journey in NCDCC. Happy because i'm with my batchmates and they really do make me happy. Happy because i'm doing what i love, for those i love- Cadets. 

Sad because of the fact that i met some of the greatest people from NCDCC. Sounds contradicting right? I feel that way too. Its the greatest people that i've met that makes me upset sometimes. You can't appear or be close to everyone right.....? What about those that you're geniunely close to? How would they feel man. I'm probably overthinking right now, but i'm stating facts. 

I'm close to person A. I'm close to person B. If A says something about B that i know B doesn't like and it isn't nice, what am i supposed to feel? Angry because i'm protective over B or what? Or do i feel like i'm stuck in between teo person that have a place in my heart?