For many months, you highlighted the situation whereby people were being two faced. You highlighted the fact on how people utilised their words to force others down. How people use their social authority to degrade another person's. How people make use of friendship, how they misinterpret message, how they twist their words, just so they can fufill that tiny period of self satisfactory, self fufillment, self efficacy. 

You told me the many cases of how people judged one another. How two sided they are when it comes to treating people based on their accompany. You told me how people judged you based on how you carried yourself. You told me how different you were from the rest, that you were someone that was impartial. 

You always left me thinking about this world, about how complicated and how vicious some people are. You left me thinking about who should i trust, even those close to me. You left me wondering why do people behave in certain manner and if it was a result from their past circumstances.

But today, you left me thinking if whatever you said, whatever you saw, whatever you felt, has became a part of your personality, your character, your inner being. You left me thinking if you were no different from the evil and mean people you described. You left me thinking if you were just like another pretentious, judgmental and a egoistic nut who assumes that your thoughts are right. 

You left me thinking, was i really that naive to not realise it after this long? While this could be another creation from my brain that tends to dwell too much, this certainly reinforces my belief that those closest to your heart will have the largest potential and temptation to manipulate you into one of their pawns. 

The sum of all things added up

I think a suitable analogy for life could be one of equations. Why equations? Probably because everything adds up. Every single thing. 

Hardwork + motivation = good results. 

Hardwork + sense of duty = good results

Hardwork + resilence = good results. 

Why did i choose resilence? Because i know sometimes hardwork doesn't necessary breed excellent results or any signs of improvement. Sometimes we all fall and more often then not, things don't work out in ways we wished it would. 

Resilence, according to gerontology, basicially means, using adversity and hardship as a catalyst, as a transformation to create new opportunities and betterment. 

If you have resilence, you can get up after getting knocked down. You can push yourself a little bit more everytime fatigue seeps in. 

Resilence sounds like a wonderful trait,

One that might bring miracles for your sad gloomy life. But how does resilence all come about? Where is the limitless pool of resilence that one can float on? See that pun? Haha pool,float?? 

I'd say that resilence is like steel, forged at hot as hell temperatures. Its like making a sword you know, you have to be in a furnance, you have to get hammered, you have to get thrown in cold water. <- when u cool a hot material too quickly you'll weaken it. But eventually, you'll become a sword. You become steel. Life is burdensome with problems but life becomes meaningful when you overcome it. 

Well thats for resilence, what about the equation of friendship? A real, lasting friendship. 

I hate to say it but theres really no one definitive equation for what fomulates a true friendship, but i think this is a pretty sound one.

Shared experiences + assurances + kept promises = lasting friendship? 

At this point of time, the girl beside me on the bus is looking at what i'm typing. Hello there prettyhead. I'm Ernest. Wait don't look away now!! Hahahahahahaha whatever girl. 

Back to my point. Shared experiences because every friendship has their breaking point and i guess what the glue that holds them together till the very end is falling back on what you and your friend has went through together.

It could be bad, it could be good. But at the end of the day, memories and feelings emerge from such experiences. Cherishing them and wanting for more of such could be a driving factor in not giving up. 

Assurances. Face it. You need some sort of assurances. To whatever degree, it depends on your character. No wait, personality.  If you have a close friend that you don't particually get to see every week or month, and then you realise that hey, she has some pretty close friends too. Some close to her heart as well. You gotta admit, you'll probably feel a little sense of paranoia; is person A gonna replace me? Is that person more valued? Don't deny. This situation can be explained by using one of the sociological imagination theories - conflict perspective. There is an underlying tension in society and a competition for resources - power, money, friendship, land. 

Another thing i wanna talk about. What do you want to be remembered as? I don't want a copy and paste kinda answer when people ask about me. 

I'm fully aware that i can be quite an asshole sometimes. But hey thats just who i am. I want to be remembered by my close friends as an asshole thats actually pretty nice and loving.

By my cadets as someone that left a legacy behind, someone to look up too, someone to put your faith and trust in. 

By my significant other as someone that would do anything for you. Someone that  loves you wholeheartedly. Someone that will protect and cherish you. 

What do you want to be remembered as? Whatever the answer, live your life according to it. Leave something worth remembering. Be someone worth remembering. 

not the best of starts

Basicially 

probation's over!

13/12/14- 26/7/14.

Its been 8 months of service as a CLT and woo probation is over!! 

I've learnt alot so why not recall what has happened, in chronological order.

niner's 1st gaming outing.  my bestfriend is infront of me and i didnt even know she would be my bestfriend ahaha. 

Next! 

1st CLT GM.

Pretty good pretty good experience. Collected our no.3 and stuff. 

Balestier Hill's CCA Carnival! 

This was my first time in no.3 :)

West Spring's CCA Carnival!

2nd time :) 

My east view's CCA Carnival! 

Platoon dinner. 

Platoon  dinner.

Saikang warrior for CFL :)

(All of this is in chronological order) 

Total defence at science center. 

Pingyi's CCA carnival. 

Pioneering course.

2-star kayaking with suzana :) 

1st UACDC! 

2nd CLT GM!

Da bestfriend in the middle

2nd CFL :-) 

East 2 ST.

Niner's climbing sesh. With da bestfriend.

Games day :) 

Baby scorpion's pop

Unit camp with SCLT Amos.  

Affirmation day 2014 :-)

Fire fighting course 2014 oorah

Ncd 10th anniversary photoshoot.

Niner celebrated my birthday too :)

Pingyi celebrated my birthday! 

Thats about it hahaha. What i've learn was to never let what your seniors say force you down. I fall and you fall. The best of us fall but what determines who we are tomorrow is what we do with our today. 

I learn to be professional. I learn to be human. I learn to be more than a CLT to a cadet in need. I learn to be their friend, their brother. Their mentor. 

A CLT is more than some fancy title. Its a duty and this duty i will discharge fully. 

I've made 2 amazing friends along this journey. 

To my soulfriend. 

It pains me to see you like this now. I use to see your passion of ncd so brightly in your eyes but im not so sure where it has went to now. this organisation has changed. I don't have much to say for you anymore but what i do and will always say is that i'm always here and i would always protect you. Collect your confirmation letter asap dumb ass. 

To my bestfriend.

I hope your probation journey would not be as painful as mine.

I hope you'll learn as much as i did. 

I hope you'll grow and not hate. 

I hope you'll remain professional. 

I hope you'll nurture your cadets.

And i hope you give me the chance to guide you along. 

And most importantly i hope you will love what you do and remain happy.  

i don't know, i don't know if anyone has ever noticed i haven't been sleeping so well the past few days.
I'm busy with my studies, my projects and my friendships.

While my projects take up most of time, you however take up whatever spare time i have. I think and i think and i think, are things going well for the two of us? Have we yet returned to the path where we start drifting away again, like everyone I've gotten close to?

Night after night, day after day, this situation just stays in my mind, am i crazy to ever think that this will actually work out.. because so many times i feel that it won't. We're all busy, we're all stressed but i have never forget that you're special and i try, i try, i try to care. But everytime i seem to talk, it just appears to offend you. Maybe i shouldn't have, but am i wrong when it comes to being me, being me when i'm talking to you? Maybe it is, maybe i should have been more sensitive, maybe i should have apologised another time again.

I'm always trying, but what about you? Whenever i share things with you, my preferences, you don't seem to care you don't seem to be interested and you get a free pass in saying whatever you want about me to me and i don't have that free pass, am i crazy to think and feel that this is unfair?

I'm subjected to your temper, but i've never let you be a victim of my anger and fear because no matter what you say, i know you bear no ill intent and therefore you don't deserve it, maybe its different when you subject me to yours.

I'd always try again, but you aren't the only one suffering right now. Maybe you are aware of that, but maybe its your refusal to accept that you aren't the only one and you want the world to revolve around you.

It isn't all you, its about me too. I give and i give but what do i ever receive from you?

So tell me whatever happen to 'i'd try' when you said it? You might just say its me, but no not this time. I'm not being sensitive, i'm realistic.

I supported your dreams and passion with enthusiasm. I'd hear you out on whatever you say. I would never have judged your preferences.

Did you? I'd always try because i promised and i know what it feels like to lose someone like you, but have u felt that pain? Maybe if u did you would be trying harder.

But i can't blame you. How can i ever blame you? Your actions are only a result from your circumstances and theres nothing to changed about yours. So probably all i can ever do is just to swallow it, swallow my pride, say i'm sorry for trying, sorry for your overreaction.

Am i crazy to think you actually prioritize others over me? Am i crazy to think that all i ever will get is just hurt? Maybe at the back of your mind you realise that you can have better options over me, but has it ever occurred to you that right now i have the same options as you do?

But maybe all of this is the creation of me, of my fucked up brain.  I never intended for all this to happen.

You came into my life like a miracle but you left like a hurricane. you ruined everything thats good in my life. 

3 years on and i'm still left hanging by myself trying to get back. and yesterday you made me realised that you didn't really care about me anymore when i still cared as much when we were still friends. 

Its never the same for me. People tell me to move on. People tell me shes not worth my time. But everytime they just remind me of the mess i made. Maybe it was better for us but i still want you in my life. Maybe not in the capacity you were before but a part of me wish you were still here. 

I've learn. I've grown. I've realised. I've cherished all thats good in my life right now. 

Shes better and shes so precious to me. 

I often ask myself what can i do to make it better. What can i do to make her feel better. What can i do to make her days easier. I don't have the answer but one day i will and till then maybe i'll just keep trying and holding on to the only thing that might be true in my life. And maybe now you know why i need you so, 

If you want to begin to grow, you can't avoid pain. You have to challenge yourself. You have to get out of your comfort zone only then can you discover some talents and skills you never knew you had. You have to start listening to yourself, trusting yourself, relieve yourself of all those negative luggage and garbage you carry along in her you. You don't need all of the approval you so seek right now, no they will when they see the right thing you are doing. But it is above all for you that you have to keep digging!