Stagnant.

Its been a long time since i talked to you. its been a long time and i miss you so bad. everyday without fail i would definitely think about you and the friendship we had before. I have been thinking. What really happened?

I finally found the answer. A lack of understanding. I hope you are reading this, because i am really really sorry for whatever i've done. I know my sorry doesn't change a thing and will not make you feel better but i'm sorry.  I take full blame and responsibility of whatever has happened. Its been such a lonely journey without you. I have my friends and girlfriend, yes they do fill up a large portion of me and without them, i would be gone but then again, not having you is almost equivalent to not having them in my life.

I still read all your letters and notes because every letter and word hangs onto me so very dearly. I don't know how to explain everything that has been happening. But i do know what i'm feeling. Lost, agonized, hurt, sorrow and many more.

I remember all the times we had together. studying together. late night talks. going out together for no reason. stupid movie dates. awkward moments. our arguments. This friendship is something that i should be proud of. and yes i am proud of this friendship, proud that i have a strong bestfriend like you.

However as i am writing this post, i am writing it with a heart heavy with sadness.

A thousand apologies.  

Chapters after chapters.

A trip down memory lane. I miss us. The pair of bestfriends everyone thought would actually see through till graduation.

Part One: The first time we met, I had no idea you’d matter this much to me.

 I don’t remember clearly how we met or what brought us together. I'm guessing its NCDCC and NDP. i'm glad i went. But at first, I didn’t think we’d get close. It was only after NDP where we actually had proper conversations. You offered the most genuine friendship anyone could ever ask for and it was sincere. I guessed that’s what made me to trust my instincts and give it a try. We exchanged numbers and from there it was a kickstart to something amazing. How was I suppose to know that I was in for one hell of a friendship, an amazing one.

Part Two: You made me talk about things I’d never imagine myself talk to anyone about.

Over the period of a few weeks, we got close. I could say, I was happy at that point of time. The many conversations we had, the outings. It was no surprise to me that we’d become this close. Our friendship, it was real. And I’m not afraid to say that. You made me open up about things I never imagine myself talking about, what more with a girl? At this stage, things were okay. But I knew things were just starting to get better.

Part Three: The Uphill & The Downhill.

The next few months, a rollercoaster ride. I could say you pretty much became the person I trusted my secrets, my dreams, my nightmares, my ambitions with. You became the person whom I turn to. Sad to say, over this period of time, something happened to me. Everything was taking it’s toll on me and well I could say I was slowly torn apart. But at that point of time that I’d thought everyone would leave, you and a few others proved me wrong. I honestly can say that you saw me at my absolute worst but you stayed. I never really broke down infront of you though, but i guess you knew what i was feeling then. though you didn’t had the words to say to me, you just sat there with me.. Our texts started to become more, personal, I can say. In a way where people were sure we were bestfriends. You’d sent me the occasional “goodmorning” and “goodnight” messages and a whole part of our memories were created during this period of time. Though we had our share of fights, it was always resolved. Well, before this they were. It was hard for either of us to not give in and we were sure we made up. Every time we fought, I became so sour that it amused me how much it affected me.  Now I know why. It also amazed me how you sticked with me even when I self-harmed, even when I felt I couldn’t stick by myself. We told each other secrets that only the both of us would know. You brought out the good in me and subconsciously, I brought out the good in you.  I hope you appreciate whatever i wrote in the letter for you . To sum this all up, we had our ups and downs but needless to say, you’re the person I could never lose.

Part Four: Everyone makes mistakes, even the people we love.

The present. Well, I made a mistake. A stupid one. And honestly right now, I regret it so so much. Funny how things can change over a period of thee weeks huh? All those memories. I had to admit, you were part of the reason why I did and didn’t enjoy this year. With everything that has been happening to me, you were there through it all. It’s sad to admit that I’ve kind of lost you. It’s just not the same anymore, things aren’t the same anymore and you know that. I know that. And it sucks cause I’ve grown so used to us talking everyday. I’ve grown so used to knowing that you’d be there everytime I’m down, about to fall apart or anything else. Maybe it’s my fault for hoping too much but still, it’s a waste things had to change. I miss you, I miss us. Looking back at our conversations, it was a lot to take in actually, the then and now. I’m still very sorry things are the way there are now.







































I don't know where should i go now. which ever route i take will definitely bring me pain. and i'm tired of it. 

Ulysses.

Harrooooow! :)
shall talk about something i'm passionate about hehe

So today i went out with two of my Unit Drill Instructor platoonmates! Gosh, i miss Ulysses platoon so much.

So the outing was really impromtu but it was alright. Supposed to meet up with Sabrina at tampines mrt station at 1 but i forget and went there at 12 ._.

Hahaha so i went to walk around tampines 1 to kill time. Tampines 1 has awfully chocolate now!! YAY heh. So fast forward >>>>>>>>>

was at the platform waiting for Sabrina and then i saw Farhan! Hahaha he always look so carefree. Chatted with him for awhile before he left and then Sabrina came. Hahaha it was so awkward at first because i didn't know what to say since i haven't seen her, like ever since the passing out parade.

Talked a little and then went to serangoon to meet Amanda. After that, went to vivo to eat lunch! Haha they were nice enough to order drinks for me while i was ordering food heh.

Chitchat while eating and then went to find a place to sit haha. Sat down there from like 3-5? Talked about everything and all. Ps Amanda is scary! :0

Haha aft that we went to walk around, did some window shopping and then we took the mrt back home.

Overall today was pretty good, 7.5/10!

Anyways my feelings and thoughts of the day yah.

forward.

I think I need you now.
I can't remember when you left me,
but I'm alone somehow.

I can hear your voice ringing in my ear,
telling me to just slow down.
Sometimes I wanna run. What have I become?
That's enough, I'm tapping out.


Thought that i might stand a chance to make things right. Woke up and saw your tweet. sigh, if you want to move on and forget about me, i guess i will give you what you want. 

I won't disturb you anymore.

Goodbye,
broken.

One moment

Dear bestfriend,

The decision i'm making now is probably the most emotional one i had to make.

Thought that i should try again and put aside my ego and the risk of being hurt, to renew things.
I have no idea on how you're feeling now, but i miss you and need you so bad. You are so important to me. 

I never thought that this day would come, that we would stop talking. You've gave me so many reasons to be happy & now we are so cold. Its really saddening.
I know i made mistakes, i know. I'm not perfect. I still remember all the promises and memories we had. Now its all gone, well most of it. Its a bitter pill to swallow.

Sometimes , you make me feel like i'm so inferior and not as valued as your crush. Sigh. In all honestly, i wish you would pay more attention to me. i wish you needed me as much as i need you.

Usually, i'm wearing the smile you gave me. Now that you're gone, its hard to smile. My smile is gone and so is my happiness. But i guess i have to make do with that.

Bestfriend, oh friend. I miss you so much and you're impossible to forget. I have so many things to tell, but not now, not today. Maybe the day where i find closure.

I'm sorry and regretful. Come back, even for a moment.

Sincerely,
Your broken friend.

Friday.

Friday! Enough of the sad posts and all, shall post something that i'm passionate about, NCDCC!

So NCDCC training today went pretty well tho we got off to a rough start. Alot of critical thinking was needed to make fast decisions on the spot. Thank god i made the right ones. So we kicked off training by having Muster Parade ( a more regimental way to take attendance) after i was done with the parade, i send the secondary 1 cadets up to the holding room where my sergeant that i'm mentoring, introduced them to year1 programs while i handled some footdrill matters like teaching some of the cadets how to conduct an muster parade. It took around 25minutes.

After that, i went up to the holding.room for around 40minutes to see how my sergeant was doing. Introduced myself to the green horns again and talked to them abt NCDCC and some of my experiences in some courses. Played a short game and left to do footdrill again. Went down to again to train their footdrill heh 'KELEWANNNNN HORMAAAATAN  SEDIAAA!' Guard of honor, ATTENTION! Hahaha had fun teaching them NDP marchings. Introduced them to slowmarch too, hahah ahh the memories.

Did a little motivational talk to the secondary 3s as they're gonna take over once i pass out. So worried for them. Sigh, lets hope the secondary 3 understand the importance of the 5 Values i taught them - Integrity, Respect,Punctuality, Empathy and Responsibility.

Some pictures :)

hahaha wise me being wise....

you and i

'i want you to fall apart like i did, to hurt for all of this, for you to hurt for all of this, all the pain you put me through, i'm done'

a song that stays in me

Fall asleep to dreams of home
Where the waves are crashing
The only place I've ever known
Now the future has me
I see the fire in the sky
See it all around me
I said the past is dead
The life I had is gone

Said I won't give up
Until I see the sun

Hold me now
Until the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing

Waking up and letting go
To the sound of angels
Am I alive or just a ghost
Haunted by my sorrows
Hope is slipping through my hands
Gravity is taking hold
I said I'm not afraid
That I am brave enough

I will not give up
Until I see the sun

Hold me now
Until the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing
Crying out
These tired wings are falling
I need you to catch me

As I burn, as I break
I can't take it anymore
I'll return to the place
Where the waters covers over everything
Rescue me somehow

Hold me now
Until the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing
Crying out
These tired wings are falling
I need you to catch me

Hold me now
Until the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing

its me

but its me breaking down

there is so much more

but is it worth fighting for?

i wish. 

If there was a way to create perfect
Make your life feel so damn worth it
I'd Erase the black and blue
There's no way to stop the hurting
But I can rip open those curtains
So you can see what's left in you 


How am i to get through to you i'm finding myself devising/ ways to diminish the ominous ora above your horizon/
intoxicated with hatred, toxicated by a love thats cosmic/
such a faint complex melody and you provide the harmonic/ Highly unlikely for me to hit the ground lightly/ could someone tell me how far ive fallen pricesly/ cause until today i've been improvising/ detach yourself from these anchors/ that keep pulling you under, wont you allow me to be your savior/ consider this to be your attempt to walk on water so you don't on the surface/ wont remain unchanged, will remain forever imperfect/ you mean everything to me
whether I'm drained, weak, fatigued/ I shall be your radiance your remedy



if there were some way, avoiding superhero clichés/
have yet to exceed my extent/ getting you to see what's left in you is truly my intent/ memorize my lines to the script/
is it that what you seek, isn't quiet discrete, but i need you to look beyond the imperfections/ look beyond how your perceived, even with a crush self-esteem/ there's no getting through to you, you were through me, and you expect me to/ leave you to take on these lions, stranded on some island
No rescue/ this is just the storm before the calm, a middle finger to the devil/ took until now for me to realize/while god is putting you through your storms, god is putting me through mine/ but if this is how you want to live your life i won't get involved/ but i'm sure as hell ain't about to let you wash your regrets in alcohol/ what pages have yet to be decoded/ deciphered by the writer such a metaphorical poet/ you mean everything to me whether I'm drained, weak, fatigue/ I shall be your radiance your remedy..