probation's over!

13/12/14- 26/7/14.

Its been 8 months of service as a CLT and woo probation is over!! 

I've learnt alot so why not recall what has happened, in chronological order.

niner's 1st gaming outing.  my bestfriend is infront of me and i didnt even know she would be my bestfriend ahaha. 

Next! 

1st CLT GM.

Pretty good pretty good experience. Collected our no.3 and stuff. 

Balestier Hill's CCA Carnival! 

This was my first time in no.3 :)

West Spring's CCA Carnival!

2nd time :) 

My east view's CCA Carnival! 

Platoon dinner. 

Platoon  dinner.

Saikang warrior for CFL :)

(All of this is in chronological order) 

Total defence at science center. 

Pingyi's CCA carnival. 

Pioneering course.

2-star kayaking with suzana :) 

1st UACDC! 

2nd CLT GM!

Da bestfriend in the middle

2nd CFL :-) 

East 2 ST.

Niner's climbing sesh. With da bestfriend.

Games day :) 

Baby scorpion's pop

Unit camp with SCLT Amos.  

Affirmation day 2014 :-)

Fire fighting course 2014 oorah

Ncd 10th anniversary photoshoot.

Niner celebrated my birthday too :)

Pingyi celebrated my birthday! 

Thats about it hahaha. What i've learn was to never let what your seniors say force you down. I fall and you fall. The best of us fall but what determines who we are tomorrow is what we do with our today. 

I learn to be professional. I learn to be human. I learn to be more than a CLT to a cadet in need. I learn to be their friend, their brother. Their mentor. 

A CLT is more than some fancy title. Its a duty and this duty i will discharge fully. 

I've made 2 amazing friends along this journey. 

To my soulfriend. 

It pains me to see you like this now. I use to see your passion of ncd so brightly in your eyes but im not so sure where it has went to now. this organisation has changed. I don't have much to say for you anymore but what i do and will always say is that i'm always here and i would always protect you. Collect your confirmation letter asap dumb ass. 

To my bestfriend.

I hope your probation journey would not be as painful as mine.

I hope you'll learn as much as i did. 

I hope you'll grow and not hate. 

I hope you'll remain professional. 

I hope you'll nurture your cadets.

And i hope you give me the chance to guide you along. 

And most importantly i hope you will love what you do and remain happy.  

i don't know, i don't know if anyone has ever noticed i haven't been sleeping so well the past few days.
I'm busy with my studies, my projects and my friendships.

While my projects take up most of time, you however take up whatever spare time i have. I think and i think and i think, are things going well for the two of us? Have we yet returned to the path where we start drifting away again, like everyone I've gotten close to?

Night after night, day after day, this situation just stays in my mind, am i crazy to ever think that this will actually work out.. because so many times i feel that it won't. We're all busy, we're all stressed but i have never forget that you're special and i try, i try, i try to care. But everytime i seem to talk, it just appears to offend you. Maybe i shouldn't have, but am i wrong when it comes to being me, being me when i'm talking to you? Maybe it is, maybe i should have been more sensitive, maybe i should have apologised another time again.

I'm always trying, but what about you? Whenever i share things with you, my preferences, you don't seem to care you don't seem to be interested and you get a free pass in saying whatever you want about me to me and i don't have that free pass, am i crazy to think and feel that this is unfair?

I'm subjected to your temper, but i've never let you be a victim of my anger and fear because no matter what you say, i know you bear no ill intent and therefore you don't deserve it, maybe its different when you subject me to yours.

I'd always try again, but you aren't the only one suffering right now. Maybe you are aware of that, but maybe its your refusal to accept that you aren't the only one and you want the world to revolve around you.

It isn't all you, its about me too. I give and i give but what do i ever receive from you?

So tell me whatever happen to 'i'd try' when you said it? You might just say its me, but no not this time. I'm not being sensitive, i'm realistic.

I supported your dreams and passion with enthusiasm. I'd hear you out on whatever you say. I would never have judged your preferences.

Did you? I'd always try because i promised and i know what it feels like to lose someone like you, but have u felt that pain? Maybe if u did you would be trying harder.

But i can't blame you. How can i ever blame you? Your actions are only a result from your circumstances and theres nothing to changed about yours. So probably all i can ever do is just to swallow it, swallow my pride, say i'm sorry for trying, sorry for your overreaction.

Am i crazy to think you actually prioritize others over me? Am i crazy to think that all i ever will get is just hurt? Maybe at the back of your mind you realise that you can have better options over me, but has it ever occurred to you that right now i have the same options as you do?

But maybe all of this is the creation of me, of my fucked up brain.  I never intended for all this to happen.

You came into my life like a miracle but you left like a hurricane. you ruined everything thats good in my life. 

3 years on and i'm still left hanging by myself trying to get back. and yesterday you made me realised that you didn't really care about me anymore when i still cared as much when we were still friends. 

Its never the same for me. People tell me to move on. People tell me shes not worth my time. But everytime they just remind me of the mess i made. Maybe it was better for us but i still want you in my life. Maybe not in the capacity you were before but a part of me wish you were still here. 

I've learn. I've grown. I've realised. I've cherished all thats good in my life right now. 

Shes better and shes so precious to me. 

I often ask myself what can i do to make it better. What can i do to make her feel better. What can i do to make her days easier. I don't have the answer but one day i will and till then maybe i'll just keep trying and holding on to the only thing that might be true in my life. And maybe now you know why i need you so, 

If you want to begin to grow, you can't avoid pain. You have to challenge yourself. You have to get out of your comfort zone only then can you discover some talents and skills you never knew you had. You have to start listening to yourself, trusting yourself, relieve yourself of all those negative luggage and garbage you carry along in her you. You don't need all of the approval you so seek right now, no they will when they see the right thing you are doing. But it is above all for you that you have to keep digging!

Packages

She found a new group of friends and a new life; one I eventually decided I could not be a part of. She left my heart, i left her life. 

Although losing a best friend is always difficult, letting go was never a tough decision for me. Sure, it wasn't hard but the pain that comes with it was hard to live with.. I’ve been told by many that I’ve given up on friendships too easily, that I’m supposed to work to keep the friendship together, even when things get hard. I do fight for friendships, just not all. They don't see the things i do. This may be true, actually, this is definitely true, but I have found there is a difference between fighting and letting them beat you. If they are determined in their conviction, you will not change their mind. So when the war is near its end and the loss is inevitable, I think it might be better to walk away than be wounded by the final shots because eventually true friends will return to you, eventually. 

I'm a fighter, not a bidder. 

Bottom

I might not be the best CLT in my batch. But i try my best to be the best.
I might not be the best CLT in NCDCC. But i try and do my best in everything that has been given to me.
I might not be the best CLT to my cadets. But i try to be the CLT my cadets would want.

I have a different definition of what a CLT should be. I want to be a friend. A mentor. A brother. A pillar of strength. A inspiration.

I have my wrong doings. I have my short falls. I have my flaws. I have my helpless moments.
But i'm new to all this. I don't know what exactly to do at certain points of time. I'm new to all of this. I need guidance, yes. So if i did something you thought i shouldn't have done, point it out to me. Hear me out. Hear my thoughts. I'm not a cadet listening aimlessly to instructions. I'm a CLT. i'm part of the organisation. Hear me out, see things as i see it.

I can't improve if all i ever hear from you is i'm dissapointed, go home and reflect but you don't point out what i did wrong. I don't learn anything in the end. All i ever learn is that i'm such a bad CLT.

I don't want to disappoint anyone, i'm only human. Theres only so much i can achieve. This is only my 4th month into service. You can't expect me to lead with excellence and perfection. You can't possibly just think of me as incapable and uneffective. God knows how much i try to lead with every once and every bit on my essence.

You only went for your 2nd unit training. But this is my 11th Unit training. I've seen and felt the soul behind my messy unit and i'm still trying to figure out what to do. I know more of this unit then you do and you should hear me out, hear my thoughts and not force down your opinion of what kind of a CLT i should be.

I'm trying my best. Doing my best. Judge me based on what i have done for my cadets and not what i have yet to do. It isn't fair.

The best of intentions
I lay at your feet
And I need you to see past the worst part of me
I'm tired of taking my aim
When I keep on missing
There's gotta be a better way


I'm trying. I'm struggling, I'm trying to float by. Someone please save me. Someone please help me. Someone.

Two way

Been pretty busy with ncd stuff and what not recently. You see, ncd stuff is a two edged sword. It makes me happy and it makes me feel upset too. 

Happy because i'm serving cadets, i'm bringing them thru their journey in NCDCC. Happy because i'm with my batchmates and they really do make me happy. Happy because i'm doing what i love, for those i love- Cadets. 

Sad because of the fact that i met some of the greatest people from NCDCC. Sounds contradicting right? I feel that way too. Its the greatest people that i've met that makes me upset sometimes. You can't appear or be close to everyone right.....? What about those that you're geniunely close to? How would they feel man. I'm probably overthinking right now, but i'm stating facts. 

I'm close to person A. I'm close to person B. If A says something about B that i know B doesn't like and it isn't nice, what am i supposed to feel? Angry because i'm protective over B or what? Or do i feel like i'm stuck in between teo person that have a place in my heart?