A partner?

True friendship comes in all shapes and sizes. 

Well, i made that up. 

But i have a true friend that comes in a petite human shape ( o she kicks ass man) so thats pretty damn cool. 

She's my confidante. 

She's my turn-to person when i want to annoy someone.

She's my platoonmate.

She's my lame-joke sharing buddy.

and she's my bestfriend. Legit man. 

This is getting cheesy and man she doesn't approve of it. Damn. 

Anyway, she's one of the greatest lady i have ever met. She's understanding, she's funny, she's mean and she's geniunely nice. i contradict myself way too many times. She's literally the opposite of me. ( she calls me dumb so that makes her smart which i have to agree but i'm not dumb just clumsy THERES AN DIFFERENCE). 

I don't know what did i do to deserve her as a bestfriend. They say, when someone leaves your life w/o closing the door, someone better comes in and closes it for you. 

And shes that special someone.

Sometimes, i feel like i'm drifting away from her, sometimes i feel like i'm closer to her then ever. Haha i don't know if she feels the same way! 

I enjoy my conversations with her, actually i think its a one way thing because she's just entertaining my nonsense and random stuff that pops up in my head. Well thats cool right to have me as a bestfriend???? 

Sometimes i think she's just as annoying as me but she doesn't agree oh wait i haven't told her that yet but yo lady now u know! 

How am i dumb hmmm ok i've done many dumb stuff that supposedly i'm only capable off but hey that means i'm a freaking cool guy ok you can boast me around to your other less cool friends 

This blog post is not getting anywhere oh wait she just replied my text hmmm is this overly cheesy i don't think it is, you suck man you're so demanding. 

On a serious note, thanks for everything, it really keeps me going :) 

I have a joke for u btw 

WHAT DID THE SUSHI SAY TO THE BEE

you gon' be miserable

I hate to say it but I told you so

Told you if you left that you were going be miserable

Guess he dont do it like me or else you wouldnt be

Running back to the past, it was you that left me

I hate to say it but you know Im right

Every time youre up, youre calling for me late at night

But now that you ain't got me, tell me where you going be

'Cause I cant take you back, no, my heart won't let me

no don't

I trusted you

Yea thats my first mistake

Your eyes are ice cold blue

Just another mirror of the heart inside you 

You cant walk back into my life

You had your chance to be in my life 

No chance

Just go 

You had your chance 

Just go

 

To you to me you're alrd gone

you tried to 

her eyes look so true

So different from the way it was with you 

I don't need you in my life

Don't want to hear you cry

Just go 

I gave you my word i love you so 

I feel a lil lonely sometimes. Most of the time actually. Its just that little part of my heart that isn't filled up. or maybe i'm missing that little part of my heart. 

Sigh.

inferiority complex

Its only two months since i started on this new journey. 

And its already so full of dissapointments.

I am involved in a few minor activity, but its not what i want. 

 There has been many activities that i would want to attend. Or be part of. 

But i'm not chosen. And its not the first time either. One said, you won't chosen for these course because you are busy with the course you're running. 

And then right after that, he tells one of my partners running the event with me, would u like to attend ___________? 

And then the same thing to a few other partners of mine. 

Aren't they running the events along with me as well? Then why are they chosen instead? the reason this time can't be because i'm busy right? 

So what reasons are there?

I'm not good enough? 

My performance wasn't satisfactory during the 3 weeks? 

Or is there an underlying case of bias-ness?  

Well, i don't know. I'll give myself some more time around this organisation. And if  things still don't work out for me, then i'll just focus on the younger ones. 

Floating by

I like to think of kayaking as another analogy for life. 

If we paddle too hard, we'll lose control. 

If we paddle too hard with someone by our side, we'll lose control as well and not only that, you'll hit your partner beside you and then you would send her spinning. 

This teaches us that we shouldn't always give 100% in life. We have to cut back, pull out of life sometimes. If not, we risk spinning out of control and we might just bring someone down with us.

If we paddle too slowly while against the current, we will stay stagnant & soon enough, we will begin to retreat back.

This teaches us that if we don't take measures to keep up with the pace of life, we'll become outdated, irrelevant and at the losing end.

If we paddle too slowly while the current pushes us along, our kayaks would start to proceed into a different direction, one that isn't what we intended. 

This teaches us that even if we keep up with the pace of life, we should not be complacent because complaceny might remove you from the road to success and drift you into another one that takes even longer for you to succeed. 

When we capsize, regardless of whether isit because we paddled too hard or we drifted into another direction or we took in too many problems, we have to stay calm and perform the capsize drill in order to safely escape from the kayak.

This teaches us that even if life has managed to knock us down to our knees, if we keep our cool and our faith, we'll be able to overcome it even tho if its painful at first, with all the clogged water in your nose and ears. 

I don't know if i make sense, i think i do.

Anyway, 2-star kayaking is finally over.

A pretty good experience! 

1000 miles

I have so much to say so i shall make another blog post.

Honestly i'm so afraid that i would relapse back into depression. Or suffer from yet another anxiety attack.

I'd wish i had a friend to accompany me thru this journey.

I'd wish i had a friend that would randomly message me to check on how i'm coping.

I'd wish i had a friend.............. that wouldn't be annoyed by me.

I wish too much, but am i wrong for doing that? Am i?

'Cause if i am, then i would stop.  

Its been a lonely walk. Its been a lonely journey. No one seems to be willing to walk this road towards recovery with me. Most of my friends if not all, don't even know my circumstances. 

I have some friends that have been accompanying me for awhile, tho. 

I don't know why i'm talking about this

Self control Ernest, keep it to yourself. 

No one has to know about what you think. 

No one. 

No one has to know about your thoughts.

Just keep it to yourself and all will be fine.

complex

Its 11.36 pm now. I'm pretty sure you're asleep. But i guess thats fine.. 

There have been so many nights that i wanted to talk to you. But you were busy.

Friday was supposed to be our 'Heart to heart talk session.' But i guess you're tired because you've been busy. 

Not exactly sure what to feel right now.

Theres so many times i wanted to talk to you. I have so much to say. But you're always occupied with something else.

I understand, i really do. But its just that i always look forward to fridays but it always ends up a lil tad dissapointing. 

I just end up with having more and more to say. Maybe i should think less then. Then i'll end up with less to say and i won't have to look forward to fridays anymore. 

Oh, friendship..

Status quo

why is education so stressful? Its like a pressure cooker. 

Even a circus lion knows how to stand obediently on a stool, for it is fearful of the whip. 

But you do not call that lion well educated. You call that well trained.

Fly high or muddied face?

I think its good to think. Its healthy. It provides a better prospective of different issues. It provides you with some time to reason with the different voices in your head. 

But thoughts can be deadly too. 

thoughts are like flying a kite. Hold down the line too much, the kite will never take off. Giving too much line, your kite will fly high and eventually you'll lose control if it. The key is to control your line. Let it fly high; let it be tamed.

Recently i've been thinking waaaay too much. Not so sure what i feel about that.

as the saying goes, too much of anything is bad.  

applies for this as well. Too much thoughts will cloud our judgement, our mind, our perspective on different issues. 

Why? Because with too many thoughts clashing in our not so tiny heads, we can't see what we want, we can't see the finishing line. We can't decide on the appropriate course of action. I don't think anyone understands that but whatever. 

What's a man gonna do?

Who would have thought?

For the past two days, i have been kayaking. Like alot.

Basicially i signed up for two star kayaking because hey why not since my platoonmates are going. 

On the 1st day, we were introduced to our spray skirt and its purpose and we refreshed our memory and skills for 1 star kayaking and what not. Fast forward a lil, i partnered with my trusty Suzana and headed off for kayaking. We had to perform our capsize drills and it was so daunting!!!! But i guess it got better after the first try.  

We went for dinner after that with the rest of the CLTs. dinner was satisfying but someone's action made me feel a lil mad. But i guess he had his reasons.

The first day was pretty good. I enjoyed my time spent with Suzana, we shared alot with each other. So thats great.

Second day was much more tiring. 

We paddled against the currents into a not so shallow bank further away from tje rest of the groups. We basically learnt the different rescue methods and how to employ them. One rescue method meant alot to me tho, strangely enough. It was one that i had to literally put my life on someone elses. But hey, i placed my life on someone i truly trusted so thats great. I'm not sure if that person felt that way too, but its alright. 

Another take away from this kayaking course is that i better learned how to communicate with other cadets. We shouldn't be  complacent and act as if we're some bigshots or what. As CLTs, we have to adapt to different cadets and not the other way round. 

Speaking of which, i met two cadets that left a lasting impression on me, they were polite and had this 'i can do it' attitude, which is quite rare to see in cadets nowadays.

Another thing that has been bugging my mind is that i had a cadet that attended this kayaking course but due to his ADHD(ithink), had to be left out on the 2nd day due to the instructor's judgement call. Although the instructor meant well, shouldn't we take steps to ensure that he is given the same experience at 2 star kayaking  as with other cadets? He was told that he would fail the assessment no matter what but he spoke to me and said that he would still come next week as he didn't want to give up. 

He might be mischevious. He might have some wrongdoings. But he has a positive mindset to such matters,a never give up mentality , isn't that what WE wanted o see in cadets? If yes, why aren't we giving him another chance? 

I don't understand. 

'they say you got one more chance to do right dont fuck up'

Obsession

Unit training ended awhile back, and i'm gonna head for a jog. A jog. And it dawned upon me, am i too obsessed with weight loss? Am i? I lost 14kgs already but it doesn't seem to be enough. When i started losing weight, i told myself that i would stop at 75. After CLT course, i told myself i would stop at 71. And now i'm at 68 trying to balance my weight. I haven't jog since tuesday and it doesn't feels right for me to not go jog later on. 

Am i obsessed with weight loss or am i just trying to stay fit? 

I don't know. I was once a fat insecure, low self esteem fella. That was probably what pushed me to go lose weight. Iosing weight is a satisfaction. I like to be slimmer and what not. But has this motivation to lose weight to look good drove me to the point of obsession?  

I don't know. Am i normal? all i want to be is to fit into society. This is normal right? I am.... normal right? 

Acceptance;

Its alright if i'm not good enough. 

Its alright if i had good intentions but i was mistaken.

Its alright if i tried my best but the world thinks otherwise.

Its alright if i tried to reach out to someone but got rejected.

Its alright if my parents think of me as a failure.

Its alright if people i valued so much, didn't feel the same way about me. 

Its alright if im not appreciated.

Its alright. I realise that if we stopped wondering why do unpleasant stuff happen to us, and just accept the fact that this is part and parcel of life, life gets easier to breathe. Don't get me wrong, i'm still suffocating. I'm still drowning. But im learning to float. 

Acceptance works, it provides some sense of closure in my life, it provides some satisfaction that i managed to stay true to myself. But acceptance is like a double edged sword. 

On one hand, it provides closure. On the other, you have to come to terms that life isn't and wouldn't be how you want it to be. that life isn't truly so pleasant.

I've been hurt, i've been bruised. 

But i accept my circumstances. I accept who i am. I don't see a need to strip my originality to suit the world.