When i was in Kindergarten and lower primary, my teachers always told me that my father was my bestfriend. My superhero. My role model. 

Sure, that young, i believed that that was true. So i told you many things, my feelings and my thoughts. And each time you never fail to shoot me down. You broke my heart many times when i was really young. When i was impressionable. 

you do have your good points. But as  i was growing up, i saw how you treated my siblings. I saw how whenever i stood up and protected them when you beat them, you continued beating me for doing that non stop. 

I remember how you made me strip naked and threw hot milo on me. 

I remember how you slapped me with a shoe in public. 

I remember how you slapped me till my mouth bled. 

I remember how you canned me 99 times, each stripes down my back. 

I remember you forcing me to stay awake until 1am when i was in p4 to do your work and how you hit my hand whenever i made a mistake. 

I remember how you threw all my books in my face and how it knocked me over. 

I remember how you used a belt to whip me. 

I remember all the crude and harsh words you used against me. Your own child. 

I remember you caning my hands till it trembled non stop.

I remember you slapping my head whenever i couldn't grasp a topic.

I remember how you always insulted me. 

It really hurts alot. It really does. I couldn't understand why wasn't my father the way how my teachers thought he should be. I couldn't understand why my friends were so happy around their fathers while the only emotion i felt was fear. 

I am a product of your upbringing. Your words affected how i thought of myself. Your actions made me who i am today. And you broke me apart so badly. And i would never be okay. 

What is leadership?

I learned that leadership is hard. Karl von Clausewitz once said that “everything in war is easy, but the easy things are difficult.” Leadership sounds easy in the books, but it is quite difficult in real life. I learned that leadership is difficult because it is a human interaction and nothing, nothing is more daunting, more frustrating more complex than trying to lead cadets in tough times. Those leaders that do it well earn your respect, because doing it poorly is common place. You will be challenged to do it well.

I learned that taking care of cadets is not about coddling them. It is about challenging them. Establishing a standard of excellence and holding them accountable for reaching it.

Rudyard Kipling, the great British storyteller, poet and soldier once wrote, in part,

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowances for their doubting too.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.

Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it and which is more–you’ll be a man my son.”

If you can’t stomach failure, then you will never be a great leader.

Loving someone who has walls up is not a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away.

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck — you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing.

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn.

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far.

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist.

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it

Shiffa

A still framed photograph of you, and me together
Is all I have of me and you anymore,
We were so in love and we thought it'd last forever
But in the storm, we were torn ...

And I won't forget you, don't regret you
And the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you,
And i wonder why we both walked away
I'm lost without you, still crazy for you,
Just turn around, come back because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you ...

If I'd only knew the words to say that would make you turn around (turn around)
I'd say those words to you more than a million times,
It's been forever, but that hasn't changed what you mean to me
Darling can't you see? 

That I won't forget you, don't regret you
And the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you,
And i wonder why we both walked away (We walked away)
I'm lost without you, still crazy for you,
Just turn around, come back because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you ...

I'm sorry for all I did, what I said and things I hid,
I'm finally over me..
Is that too late for you?
I can't imagine where I'd be
If you had never rescued me
You gave hope to live, now I need you,
'Cause I need you!

And I won't forget you, don't regret you
And the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you,
And i wonder why we both walked away. (Walked away)
I'm lost without you, still crazy for you,
Just turn around, come back because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you ...

I'm a guy. I'm not a girl. I'm wired differently.

I was a guy before i got into a R/S and being in a R/S doesn't make me anymore less of a guy. And that means i'll still look at girls. I'll still be attracted to those that catch my attention. I'll still talk about girls to girls that i trust. 

Why? Because i'm a guy. Don't go all ape shit on me, saying that because i'm in a R/S, i shouldn't be doing all this and that. This is the way most if not all guys are wired. we do LOOK at girls and those that deny it, well go screw yourself. 

I believe that as a guy i shouldn't be restricted to look at whatever i want. If it affects my relationship, then it just shows that i'm not true to my girlfriend and i'm not certain of my feelings.  But the thing is, i AM perfectly aware of my feelings. Sure, sometimes i might get interested in other girls, but its purely on a friend to friend basis, based on my desire to lnow them more. 

If a girl can fangirl about any male idols they want, why can't guys do the same?

Gender inequality, that is. 

50 Facts about me

I deleted some of the questions because its too stupid hahahh so here goes :)

1:Name

Low Wei Jun, Ernest

2:Age

17

3: Fears

I HAVE ALOT OK IM SCARED OF BUTTERFLIES COCKROACHES FOR STARTERS 

4: things I love

Food, running, friends

5: turns on

i like people who smell good, i like people who are sincere and well i like nice people

6: turns off

well whatever that doesn't turn me on turns me off

7:My best friend

hehehe carolyn

8:Sexual orientation

i like boobs if you are curious

9:My best first date

hahahahhaha my first date was super dumb im pretty sure it was me and my ex exploring singapore?

10:How tall am I

178cm :D

11:What do I miss

Well..... a few people. 

12:What time were I born

I think it was in the afternoon

13:Favourite color

No particular color that i like but i usually would go for blue/red/green.

14:Do I have a crush

NOPE!

15:Favourite quote

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

- Osho

16:Favourite place

Any library! 

17:Favourite food

I like bak chor mee but i don't mind pasta too!

18:Do I use sarcasm

Only to particular people.

19:What am I listening to right now

All of me

20:First thing I notice in new person

Their eyes. 

21:Shoe size

10 :D

22:Eye color

My gf says its dark brown but i think its black

23:Hair color

Mainly black with some shades of brown

24:Favourite style of clothing

Smart casual or anything comfortable. 

25:Ever done a prank call?

LOL PLENTY

31:How I feel right now

Mostly happy with a dose of sadness.

32:Someone I love

Maisaraaaaah

33:My current relationship status

Attached

34:My relationship with my parents

Messed up

35:Favourite holiday

Korea 2010

39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?

She does, i don't.

40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Goodnight yes

41:Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Yeezzz

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Usually 25 minutes

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

Do guys need to???

45:Where am I right now?

I think i'm in a place called home. 

47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

LOUD

48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Yes sigh

49:Am I excited for anything?

I get excited really easily if thats what you

50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to

Yup!

theres so many things bottled up in me recently. Its not that i want to be a emotional wreck right? Its just the past few months have really been taking a toll on me. I can't sleep well. I really can't. 

I have so many things i want to share. But would they understand? Would they bother? I don't know, i don't want to be a burden. Heck, i'm a guy i can't be of a burden right? But heres the counter argument, everyone tells me a little bit of their secrets, a little of their problems. It all adds up. I'm supposed to help them solve their problems. Listen to them. Keep my mouth shut. Well, i don't mind. But i need to take care of myself too. 

I can't go like, i need to talk too someone right and then go text someone else? They'll definitely reply and be there but they're busy people. I don't want to share my feelings to someone that is always busy. Its not that i don't want too. Its because they're busy with life and i don't want to add on too their life with my problems. 

Urgh!! 

warmth

It really means alot that you speak of me to other CLTs or cadets, telling them that you're close with me. No one has ever done that for me before. 

I talk about you alot too, whenever cadets ask me about you, the first thing i'll always say is that you're my bestfriend. 

I've always done that to my past or present bestfriends. But they never done the same for me. Knowing that you talk about me too, really meant alot to me.

So thank you special one :) you know who you are! 

'The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.' - Bob Marley. 

You're worthy of that :)

meh

So i have been craving for ramen for almost two months already and today i decided to get my cravings satisifed! 

So i entered this supposedly atas ramen shop and ordered this  

I mean it looks pretty fine right? But it wasn't as nice as i expected it to be! The most important component of any ramen is the broth and the broth in that cha su ramen was just dissapointing. It lacked the strong flavour you would expect from an ramen. The noodle was fine and the egg was reasonable as well. I was supposed to receive two cha su but i only got 1! I just kept quiet bout it tho because i already had finished half of my bowl and i didn't want to cause a fuss over there. The ramen i bought was supposed to have two cha su, so it was supposed to cost $15.90 but as i said earlier on, it only had 1! Bij pls if i wanted 1 cha su i would have ordered the $12.90 one!! But the cha su they gave was pretty damn good! 

I like cold tofu too, and the cold tofu sold there was pretty nice, just that it was overpriced at $4.90, which was something i felt that it should have cost $3.50 or $4 at most!  Anyway, it was pretty nice having ramen again but i wouldn't patronise that stall again, mainly because its not any better then Ajisen ramen ( Ajisen ramen has many more ramens avaliable) and they sort of cheated my money!!!! Grr. 

I was craving for coffee bean but bedok mall didn't have any so i got starbucks instead. I had the white chocolate mocha which was actually pretty good! Intially i wanted to get Red velvet, a secret starbucks drink but then i decided not too because it cost $9! 

I just took my passport picture at some automated photo booth AND I REGRETTED IT URGHHHHHHHHHHH i look exceptionally childish there HAHA. But whatever~ till next time!

Thoughts before Sentry duty.

It's 12am now! I just bathed and am about to head to bed before reporting for sentry duty from 3am-5am. My hair is wet so i can't sleep yet.

And as always, i start to think. Think about friendship mainly. Hey, i have great friends and this post isn't about burning any of them.

I think the problem between my friendships with close friends and I is that i tend to form alot of high expectations on them, based mainly on the hope that they feel the same way. 

However, most of the time it falls short. And i'll usually be the one thats dissappointed.  I'm not pointing fingers at any of my friend, but many of time their responses to my approaches are usually less then what i thought they wouldn said, or prefer. Look, i'm not blaming anyone, i'm just expressing now i feel and its up to you if you choose to accept this tiny piece of my mind.

It's been a really tiring past few days but i'll get by! 

Red face

Blood was spurting. Blood was flowing. I could see the blood oozing out from the flesh. I could see the bone cleanly. It was sliced open neatly.

I knew i had to do something. My training kicked in, i sat him down, lifted his leg up, re-assured him whilst i got someone to get me a first aid kit, which never arrived.  My hand was clean, i know because i just washed it. I placed it over his wound to stop the bleeding. Warm blood was all over. Looked around the room, spotted a first aid box hiding somewhere. Threw everything out. No FADs at all.

All i had was 2 triangular bandage. 5 pieces of gauze. 1 set of glove. 1 bottle of water.
Pour water onto his wound. Placed the gauze over his wound. Blood was really all over the floor, my hand and some landed on my face. I ignored my overwhelming urge to vomit and placed one triangular bandage over his knee. Blood was still flowing out and this time it was landing onto my pants. Decided that another bandage was needed so i dressed another one for him. The bleeding stopped.

Whilst i was bandaging him up, i was talking to him about alot. And i stopped to look into his eyes. It was the eyes that belonged to someone trying to restrain from panicking, belonging to someone that was desperate, trusting me to know what i'm doing. It felt......... awful.

As quickly as that feeling sank in, it disappeared as i could hear  the sirens approaching. Soon after, the paramedics arrived. I told them what i did, they said hey, thanks.

They cut off the bandages and then the wound was exposed again. It wasn't spurting but it was still oozing out. They did whatever they had to do and as quickly as they arrived, they left.

And i was left alone in the room. Blood all over my hand. Face. Pants. Beside me was a small puddle of his blood. Beside the puddle was all his blood soaked bandages.
I never felt this way before in my entire life. I never had this much blood on me and beside me before.

I cleaned the room up and proceeded back to unit training. I felt dreadful. I really did. I had to put on a smile to reassure my cadets that hey, i knew what i was doing. I do know what i'm doing. I did.

But...... but.. no one will ever know how i feel. Its traumatic. I don't know who i can talk to about. No one seems to be willing to hear me out.
Its traumatic. It really is.

Young love

As i'm writing this, oh wait, as i'm typing this out, this particular SNCO of mine is busy trying to snuggle up with the girl of his dream. 

As much as he is refusing to admit that he has feelings for her, i can postively confirm that he has feelings for her. I know because the way he looks at her, is exactly the way i looked at her a couple of years ago. I feel oddly happy for the two of them. 

This particular SNCO, whilst busy trying to chase the girl of his dreams which is sitting closely beside him; is wearing a red ncdcc tee. I, as a CLT is supposed to ensure and enforce that my SNCOs are adhering to regimentation and what not. But for this moment, just this moment, i let it pass. I refuse to intervene. Because i believe that life is more then following the rules. Sometimes the greatest memories we form is when we knowingly go against the set rules, when we break it, when we test the limits, the boundaries of rules that are meant to keep us in line. 

Why? Because this particular momebt for him, could very well be one of his best memories in his life so far. So who am i to disrupt it? We as CLTs should be flexible with our judgement and leadership, afterall, love is hard to come by :)

Life really has to move on.

For the past few months or years infact, I've been living in the past. I've been letting my troubles and nightmares hold me back for far too long. I find that its perfectly fine for me to still hold on to those empty dark periods in my life. But there comes a time when hurting has to stop for healing to take place. And today healing will take place in my life. I'll always remember how certain friendships didn't workout, on the lessons it taught me.

It has taught me to be more appreciative of my friends even if they don't do the same.
It has taught me to cherish those around me even if they don't do the same
It has taught me the value of understanding, for i cannot expect my closest friends to constantly live up to my expectations on what a friend should be, because it would not be fair for me to expect that much and i'm sure at times i fail to live up to their expectations as well.
It has taught me to be more flexible. Just because things aren't up to my expectations, i shouldn't get angry or blame the party for failing, because 1) i need to appreciate their efforts. 2) I need to be understanding. 3) Because i have my failings as well.

Sure, there are times i find it hard to be a good friend, many times infact. But i comfort myself with the knowledge that everyday i try to be the best person i can be to my true friends, because without them, i wouldn't be able to carry on in life. ( speaking of carry on, it reminds me of 'PERMISSION TO CARRY ON SIR!!!') HAHA stupid memories.



I may have been knocked countless times, resulting in endless emotional hang ups; I may have been bruised emotionally, resulting in crying oceans of tears where noone knew; I may have been brought to the depths of the wilderness, resulting in restless nights.

Knowing the fact that I survived another day is indeed a blessing I could never have imagined.

It's ok if other people do not appreciate my efforts; It's ok if I get the reprimand despite having done my best and there's nothing else I can do to change the situation; it's ok if I have had gone through countless emotional hang ups; It's ok if I've cried an ocean of tears unseen. It's ok if some misunderstood me. It's ok if I'm unable to live in other's expectations.

I'm contented so long as I can be a blessing unto others even in small ways.



I definitely have my blind spots, but as a person and a friend, i constantly try to improve myself. A few comforting words that assures me that i'm a good friend would definitely be welcomed, but who am i to expect that right?
Live life without too much expectations. Take life a day at a time. Savour the moments with your friends, like all the stupid arguments on who is stupid and what not. 
Alot of times, i wonder if my close friends feel the way i feel for them. I can't expect too much from them.
I've seen many post on what a guy bestfriend should be right LOL but i don't think some of them are realistic, and the factor is this issue is actually on your bestfriend, on their personality and how would they react to certain stuff. so i'm still trying to figure out. I haven't had a bestfriend i can truly count on since 100000000 years so i'm glad i found the right one. Can't screw this up!!!
I have my failings, my short comings. But i accept them. And acceptance is key to moving on.
There’s always the possibility of a fiasco. But there’s also the possibility of bliss

On a better note, THERES SO MUCH DAMN THING TO DO FOR ENROLLMENT PACKAGE AHHHHHHH.