Red face

Blood was spurting. Blood was flowing. I could see the blood oozing out from the flesh. I could see the bone cleanly. It was sliced open neatly.

I knew i had to do something. My training kicked in, i sat him down, lifted his leg up, re-assured him whilst i got someone to get me a first aid kit, which never arrived.  My hand was clean, i know because i just washed it. I placed it over his wound to stop the bleeding. Warm blood was all over. Looked around the room, spotted a first aid box hiding somewhere. Threw everything out. No FADs at all.

All i had was 2 triangular bandage. 5 pieces of gauze. 1 set of glove. 1 bottle of water.
Pour water onto his wound. Placed the gauze over his wound. Blood was really all over the floor, my hand and some landed on my face. I ignored my overwhelming urge to vomit and placed one triangular bandage over his knee. Blood was still flowing out and this time it was landing onto my pants. Decided that another bandage was needed so i dressed another one for him. The bleeding stopped.

Whilst i was bandaging him up, i was talking to him about alot. And i stopped to look into his eyes. It was the eyes that belonged to someone trying to restrain from panicking, belonging to someone that was desperate, trusting me to know what i'm doing. It felt......... awful.

As quickly as that feeling sank in, it disappeared as i could hear  the sirens approaching. Soon after, the paramedics arrived. I told them what i did, they said hey, thanks.

They cut off the bandages and then the wound was exposed again. It wasn't spurting but it was still oozing out. They did whatever they had to do and as quickly as they arrived, they left.

And i was left alone in the room. Blood all over my hand. Face. Pants. Beside me was a small puddle of his blood. Beside the puddle was all his blood soaked bandages.
I never felt this way before in my entire life. I never had this much blood on me and beside me before.

I cleaned the room up and proceeded back to unit training. I felt dreadful. I really did. I had to put on a smile to reassure my cadets that hey, i knew what i was doing. I do know what i'm doing. I did.

But...... but.. no one will ever know how i feel. Its traumatic. I don't know who i can talk to about. No one seems to be willing to hear me out.
Its traumatic. It really is.