You think, death comes in the form where you find a strong enough rope, tie a noose, hang it over a wall and kick yourself off the stool. 

You think, death comes in the form where you take in the excessive amounts of pill, drinking excessive alcohol and hoping to drift away, never to be awake again. 

You think, death comes in the form where you close the windows, open the gas in the kitchen and wait for the inevitable. 

You think, death comes in the form of jumping off a high enough point, jumping into traffic, waiting for your heart to stop.

All of that is wrong, so wrong, so far from the truth. 

Death is everyday, every hour from morning to night. It happens every second with every breath you take. 

Death is remembering all of your little habits, where you like to seat, how you want your food arranged, what cologne to use.

Death is looking at the seat infront of me, once filled with vibrant and warmth, 

now filled with nothing except coldness and pain. 

Death is having to order good for one, looking at a menu and remembering what you liked to eat. 

Death is lying in bed, realising you are no longer going to receive a message. No calls, nothing.

Death is coming home to a house thay fills empty and void of your presence, walking past the places you used to linger. 

Death is staying in school till late, and having no one to accompany you for supper. 

Death is not just the cessation of your heartbeat, death is everything without your touch. Death is where my heart no longer follow wherever you go.

Death is losing sight of you, losing your touch and warmth.

Death is, 

Everything without you. 

'As they go through their day you’d never suspect the demons they fight alone – thoughts of neglect, of exclusion, of never being good enough for themselves, and certainly not for anyone else. You’d suspect that the brave face that they have for the world is the same one they have for themselves. But at day’s end, that mask comes off – it has to. They need to breathe.

But they cry because they live in a world with nothing meant for them, at least not in the way things are meant for others. They cry because their tears are their only solace; it is the only way they can ask for what they really need. Their hearts are broken but without any scars, their body cold; they are untouched and unloved. They feel it in their bones.'

keep you off

We used to be so close, we used to say we'd always stay in each other's hearts, we used to feel so real, we used to know each other so well. 

Now we're just hot and cold and i don't even know how it lead to this, you were there for me when i was getting over a bad period of time and now it seems you're a resemblence of what might lay ahead again. 

You told me not to care about those who don't care for you, but how do i know if i should continue trying if i don't know what runs through your mind

I'm a daze and kinda lonely, you're gone but you're still in me, you're gone but your words resonate within me, you're gone but i always end up thinking bout you. 

I don't have anyone to talk this too, don't have anyone that understands, don't have anyone that has time for me

all i want to do is play games, feel the thrill, stay high and forget i miss you. You used to be so real, till life did something to you

Or maybe this was a illusion i always had and you were a willing party in it

You're just hi bye now and i'm just here waiting

sometimes life get so hard for me. if i had a confirmation that i can go to heaven, i would have probably committed suicide along time ago. i just don't have the courage to leave everything behind

suzanaaaaaaaa

We started getting close on the 2nd week of CLT :) i still remember our conversation at Macs after our final run! 

We played GTA! Weren't as close yet but its something :) 

This was after our 1st GM! 

Well this was after the total defence thing right! 

This is after our 2nd day of 2 star right? If im not wrong, this is the period where we're the closest, starting our CLT journey together. 

Hahah wtf 2nd GM 

After 16th SNCO :)  

You made me really happy that day :)

Pdc!

Well, its your birthday today! While we started CLT together, our journey and experiences have been quite different! Well we aren't as closed as we used to be, but i guess every friendship has moments when we get caught up with our own stuff. But you're not forgotten! We don't text as much but i still check on your blog pretty frequently! 

You have been an amazing friend, your words and counsel has almost been appreciated. the lessons and analogies told always sink into me. I wouldn't have recovered from depression if it wasn't for your patience. So thank you. 

I might not have done much for you, but whatever i have done or said was sincere!  

You're 17 now so welcome to the cool kids club! You've been missing out so much hahahahahah tata see ya on HRC :) 

beyond

Some times you come to a conclusion that some friendships do not turn out the way you wish it would, despite the initial 'honeymoon.' 

Sometimes you come to a heartbreaking and dissapointing conclusion that certain people will not do what you would do for them. They would not go the extra mile for you, or would they repay anything. 

They say give without expecting anything in return. I'd say thats not the most achievable thing around. Its human nature to want to be reimbursed, to be endorsed for their actions, to receive some form of direct validation. 

Indirect validation do exist, but it doesn't have the same effect direct validation has on you. 

Sometimes you stumble upon someone in need of your help and you offer time, companionship, advice to help that person out. It comes to a point of time where you've helped them get back up to their feets and they simply have no space in their life, left for you. 

Its a brutal world out there, and i don't know how to survive. Some advice that stays deeply within me came from people that i might not have the fullest of trust in anymore, but why is it their words have such an impact on me? 

It was only a few days ago where i felt life was working out for me. 

There are numerous occassions when i question myself if i'm good enough. Sometimes i'm not affected by such questions but there are moments when it really weighs me down so much, like a recorder stuck in replay, continuously asking myself over and over again. 

The only possible reason why it does this to me is because it means a whole big deal to me. 

As a friend. I don't know if i'm a good friend to begin with. I try to tell myself to be the friend that a person needs, not what they want. I try to be straightforward to them and not sugarcoat my words. I try to be as sincere as possible. I try to be as helpful as possible. I try. But then is the results ever worth my effort? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. And moments when i know it isn't enough, it really hurts alot. 

I'm trying. 

As a bestfriend. I try to be as understanding as possible. As accommodating as possible. I try to always live up to my promise that i would be there for her. But sometimes i need to strike a balance between being there for her in terms of encouragement, and being there for her by allowing her to be independent. I don't want to appear as if i'm clingy or overprotective. I try to let my bestfriend be free. I don't wanna weigh her down. I try to be the best i can be. But if its worth it, i would never really know right? 

As a CLT, i try to be someone they look up to, someone my cadets know that will be there for them. I try to ensure that they benefit from training. It doesn't always have to be fun, sometimes it has to be beneficial. I try to be there for all my cadets, i try to go the extra mile for them.  But would they ever realise it? I don't really think so, i might just pass off as the typical CLT. Everyone seems to be more popular than me, more capable, more looked up to. And then theres me, just trying to keep my head above the water in this organisation. More often then not, i drown. I drown in my self doubt. I put in so much time and effort to being a good CLT but it never seems to be enough. I don't really know where to go from here, i really don't. 

Honestly, its getting real hard for me to survive all of this when it appears that no one truly sees things from my perspective. Or think about what my actions reflect. I don't know what to do, really. I used to have someone to give me real advise about many things in life, but now i'm just left alone stuck in my endless flowing of thoughts, not knowing what to believe, what to feel and what to do. 

I just need someone or something to show me that i'm okay. I keep telling myself everything will be alright and i'm doing fine but when i search deeper within myself to seek out any validation that its true, i can't find much.  

Oh my god. Does anyone even checks this place anymore? It really doesn't matter. I just want somewhere to share my honest feelings but a part of me wants someone to know whats happening to me too. Is this normal? 

Am i normal? i.dont.know. 

For many months, you highlighted the situation whereby people were being two faced. You highlighted the fact on how people utilised their words to force others down. How people use their social authority to degrade another person's. How people make use of friendship, how they misinterpret message, how they twist their words, just so they can fufill that tiny period of self satisfactory, self fufillment, self efficacy. 

You told me the many cases of how people judged one another. How two sided they are when it comes to treating people based on their accompany. You told me how people judged you based on how you carried yourself. You told me how different you were from the rest, that you were someone that was impartial. 

You always left me thinking about this world, about how complicated and how vicious some people are. You left me thinking about who should i trust, even those close to me. You left me wondering why do people behave in certain manner and if it was a result from their past circumstances.

But today, you left me thinking if whatever you said, whatever you saw, whatever you felt, has became a part of your personality, your character, your inner being. You left me thinking if you were no different from the evil and mean people you described. You left me thinking if you were just like another pretentious, judgmental and a egoistic nut who assumes that your thoughts are right. 

You left me thinking, was i really that naive to not realise it after this long? While this could be another creation from my brain that tends to dwell too much, this certainly reinforces my belief that those closest to your heart will have the largest potential and temptation to manipulate you into one of their pawns. 

The sum of all things added up

I think a suitable analogy for life could be one of equations. Why equations? Probably because everything adds up. Every single thing. 

Hardwork + motivation = good results. 

Hardwork + sense of duty = good results

Hardwork + resilence = good results. 

Why did i choose resilence? Because i know sometimes hardwork doesn't necessary breed excellent results or any signs of improvement. Sometimes we all fall and more often then not, things don't work out in ways we wished it would. 

Resilence, according to gerontology, basicially means, using adversity and hardship as a catalyst, as a transformation to create new opportunities and betterment. 

If you have resilence, you can get up after getting knocked down. You can push yourself a little bit more everytime fatigue seeps in. 

Resilence sounds like a wonderful trait,

One that might bring miracles for your sad gloomy life. But how does resilence all come about? Where is the limitless pool of resilence that one can float on? See that pun? Haha pool,float?? 

I'd say that resilence is like steel, forged at hot as hell temperatures. Its like making a sword you know, you have to be in a furnance, you have to get hammered, you have to get thrown in cold water. <- when u cool a hot material too quickly you'll weaken it. But eventually, you'll become a sword. You become steel. Life is burdensome with problems but life becomes meaningful when you overcome it. 

Well thats for resilence, what about the equation of friendship? A real, lasting friendship. 

I hate to say it but theres really no one definitive equation for what fomulates a true friendship, but i think this is a pretty sound one.

Shared experiences + assurances + kept promises = lasting friendship? 

At this point of time, the girl beside me on the bus is looking at what i'm typing. Hello there prettyhead. I'm Ernest. Wait don't look away now!! Hahahahahahaha whatever girl. 

Back to my point. Shared experiences because every friendship has their breaking point and i guess what the glue that holds them together till the very end is falling back on what you and your friend has went through together.

It could be bad, it could be good. But at the end of the day, memories and feelings emerge from such experiences. Cherishing them and wanting for more of such could be a driving factor in not giving up. 

Assurances. Face it. You need some sort of assurances. To whatever degree, it depends on your character. No wait, personality.  If you have a close friend that you don't particually get to see every week or month, and then you realise that hey, she has some pretty close friends too. Some close to her heart as well. You gotta admit, you'll probably feel a little sense of paranoia; is person A gonna replace me? Is that person more valued? Don't deny. This situation can be explained by using one of the sociological imagination theories - conflict perspective. There is an underlying tension in society and a competition for resources - power, money, friendship, land. 

Another thing i wanna talk about. What do you want to be remembered as? I don't want a copy and paste kinda answer when people ask about me. 

I'm fully aware that i can be quite an asshole sometimes. But hey thats just who i am. I want to be remembered by my close friends as an asshole thats actually pretty nice and loving.

By my cadets as someone that left a legacy behind, someone to look up too, someone to put your faith and trust in. 

By my significant other as someone that would do anything for you. Someone that  loves you wholeheartedly. Someone that will protect and cherish you. 

What do you want to be remembered as? Whatever the answer, live your life according to it. Leave something worth remembering. Be someone worth remembering. 

not the best of starts

Basicially 

probation's over!

13/12/14- 26/7/14.

Its been 8 months of service as a CLT and woo probation is over!! 

I've learnt alot so why not recall what has happened, in chronological order.

niner's 1st gaming outing.  my bestfriend is infront of me and i didnt even know she would be my bestfriend ahaha. 

Next! 

1st CLT GM.

Pretty good pretty good experience. Collected our no.3 and stuff. 

Balestier Hill's CCA Carnival! 

This was my first time in no.3 :)

West Spring's CCA Carnival!

2nd time :) 

My east view's CCA Carnival! 

Platoon dinner. 

Platoon  dinner.

Saikang warrior for CFL :)

(All of this is in chronological order) 

Total defence at science center. 

Pingyi's CCA carnival. 

Pioneering course.

2-star kayaking with suzana :) 

1st UACDC! 

2nd CLT GM!

Da bestfriend in the middle

2nd CFL :-) 

East 2 ST.

Niner's climbing sesh. With da bestfriend.

Games day :) 

Baby scorpion's pop

Unit camp with SCLT Amos.  

Affirmation day 2014 :-)

Fire fighting course 2014 oorah

Ncd 10th anniversary photoshoot.

Niner celebrated my birthday too :)

Pingyi celebrated my birthday! 

Thats about it hahaha. What i've learn was to never let what your seniors say force you down. I fall and you fall. The best of us fall but what determines who we are tomorrow is what we do with our today. 

I learn to be professional. I learn to be human. I learn to be more than a CLT to a cadet in need. I learn to be their friend, their brother. Their mentor. 

A CLT is more than some fancy title. Its a duty and this duty i will discharge fully. 

I've made 2 amazing friends along this journey. 

To my soulfriend. 

It pains me to see you like this now. I use to see your passion of ncd so brightly in your eyes but im not so sure where it has went to now. this organisation has changed. I don't have much to say for you anymore but what i do and will always say is that i'm always here and i would always protect you. Collect your confirmation letter asap dumb ass. 

To my bestfriend.

I hope your probation journey would not be as painful as mine.

I hope you'll learn as much as i did. 

I hope you'll grow and not hate. 

I hope you'll remain professional. 

I hope you'll nurture your cadets.

And i hope you give me the chance to guide you along. 

And most importantly i hope you will love what you do and remain happy.  

i don't know, i don't know if anyone has ever noticed i haven't been sleeping so well the past few days.
I'm busy with my studies, my projects and my friendships.

While my projects take up most of time, you however take up whatever spare time i have. I think and i think and i think, are things going well for the two of us? Have we yet returned to the path where we start drifting away again, like everyone I've gotten close to?

Night after night, day after day, this situation just stays in my mind, am i crazy to ever think that this will actually work out.. because so many times i feel that it won't. We're all busy, we're all stressed but i have never forget that you're special and i try, i try, i try to care. But everytime i seem to talk, it just appears to offend you. Maybe i shouldn't have, but am i wrong when it comes to being me, being me when i'm talking to you? Maybe it is, maybe i should have been more sensitive, maybe i should have apologised another time again.

I'm always trying, but what about you? Whenever i share things with you, my preferences, you don't seem to care you don't seem to be interested and you get a free pass in saying whatever you want about me to me and i don't have that free pass, am i crazy to think and feel that this is unfair?

I'm subjected to your temper, but i've never let you be a victim of my anger and fear because no matter what you say, i know you bear no ill intent and therefore you don't deserve it, maybe its different when you subject me to yours.

I'd always try again, but you aren't the only one suffering right now. Maybe you are aware of that, but maybe its your refusal to accept that you aren't the only one and you want the world to revolve around you.

It isn't all you, its about me too. I give and i give but what do i ever receive from you?

So tell me whatever happen to 'i'd try' when you said it? You might just say its me, but no not this time. I'm not being sensitive, i'm realistic.

I supported your dreams and passion with enthusiasm. I'd hear you out on whatever you say. I would never have judged your preferences.

Did you? I'd always try because i promised and i know what it feels like to lose someone like you, but have u felt that pain? Maybe if u did you would be trying harder.

But i can't blame you. How can i ever blame you? Your actions are only a result from your circumstances and theres nothing to changed about yours. So probably all i can ever do is just to swallow it, swallow my pride, say i'm sorry for trying, sorry for your overreaction.

Am i crazy to think you actually prioritize others over me? Am i crazy to think that all i ever will get is just hurt? Maybe at the back of your mind you realise that you can have better options over me, but has it ever occurred to you that right now i have the same options as you do?

But maybe all of this is the creation of me, of my fucked up brain.  I never intended for all this to happen.

You came into my life like a miracle but you left like a hurricane. you ruined everything thats good in my life. 

3 years on and i'm still left hanging by myself trying to get back. and yesterday you made me realised that you didn't really care about me anymore when i still cared as much when we were still friends. 

Its never the same for me. People tell me to move on. People tell me shes not worth my time. But everytime they just remind me of the mess i made. Maybe it was better for us but i still want you in my life. Maybe not in the capacity you were before but a part of me wish you were still here. 

I've learn. I've grown. I've realised. I've cherished all thats good in my life right now. 

Shes better and shes so precious to me. 

I often ask myself what can i do to make it better. What can i do to make her feel better. What can i do to make her days easier. I don't have the answer but one day i will and till then maybe i'll just keep trying and holding on to the only thing that might be true in my life. And maybe now you know why i need you so, 

If you want to begin to grow, you can't avoid pain. You have to challenge yourself. You have to get out of your comfort zone only then can you discover some talents and skills you never knew you had. You have to start listening to yourself, trusting yourself, relieve yourself of all those negative luggage and garbage you carry along in her you. You don't need all of the approval you so seek right now, no they will when they see the right thing you are doing. But it is above all for you that you have to keep digging!

Packages

She found a new group of friends and a new life; one I eventually decided I could not be a part of. She left my heart, i left her life. 

Although losing a best friend is always difficult, letting go was never a tough decision for me. Sure, it wasn't hard but the pain that comes with it was hard to live with.. I’ve been told by many that I’ve given up on friendships too easily, that I’m supposed to work to keep the friendship together, even when things get hard. I do fight for friendships, just not all. They don't see the things i do. This may be true, actually, this is definitely true, but I have found there is a difference between fighting and letting them beat you. If they are determined in their conviction, you will not change their mind. So when the war is near its end and the loss is inevitable, I think it might be better to walk away than be wounded by the final shots because eventually true friends will return to you, eventually. 

I'm a fighter, not a bidder. 

Bottom

I might not be the best CLT in my batch. But i try my best to be the best.
I might not be the best CLT in NCDCC. But i try and do my best in everything that has been given to me.
I might not be the best CLT to my cadets. But i try to be the CLT my cadets would want.

I have a different definition of what a CLT should be. I want to be a friend. A mentor. A brother. A pillar of strength. A inspiration.

I have my wrong doings. I have my short falls. I have my flaws. I have my helpless moments.
But i'm new to all this. I don't know what exactly to do at certain points of time. I'm new to all of this. I need guidance, yes. So if i did something you thought i shouldn't have done, point it out to me. Hear me out. Hear my thoughts. I'm not a cadet listening aimlessly to instructions. I'm a CLT. i'm part of the organisation. Hear me out, see things as i see it.

I can't improve if all i ever hear from you is i'm dissapointed, go home and reflect but you don't point out what i did wrong. I don't learn anything in the end. All i ever learn is that i'm such a bad CLT.

I don't want to disappoint anyone, i'm only human. Theres only so much i can achieve. This is only my 4th month into service. You can't expect me to lead with excellence and perfection. You can't possibly just think of me as incapable and uneffective. God knows how much i try to lead with every once and every bit on my essence.

You only went for your 2nd unit training. But this is my 11th Unit training. I've seen and felt the soul behind my messy unit and i'm still trying to figure out what to do. I know more of this unit then you do and you should hear me out, hear my thoughts and not force down your opinion of what kind of a CLT i should be.

I'm trying my best. Doing my best. Judge me based on what i have done for my cadets and not what i have yet to do. It isn't fair.

The best of intentions
I lay at your feet
And I need you to see past the worst part of me
I'm tired of taking my aim
When I keep on missing
There's gotta be a better way


I'm trying. I'm struggling, I'm trying to float by. Someone please save me. Someone please help me. Someone.

Two way

Been pretty busy with ncd stuff and what not recently. You see, ncd stuff is a two edged sword. It makes me happy and it makes me feel upset too. 

Happy because i'm serving cadets, i'm bringing them thru their journey in NCDCC. Happy because i'm with my batchmates and they really do make me happy. Happy because i'm doing what i love, for those i love- Cadets. 

Sad because of the fact that i met some of the greatest people from NCDCC. Sounds contradicting right? I feel that way too. Its the greatest people that i've met that makes me upset sometimes. You can't appear or be close to everyone right.....? What about those that you're geniunely close to? How would they feel man. I'm probably overthinking right now, but i'm stating facts. 

I'm close to person A. I'm close to person B. If A says something about B that i know B doesn't like and it isn't nice, what am i supposed to feel? Angry because i'm protective over B or what? Or do i feel like i'm stuck in between teo person that have a place in my heart? 

When i was in Kindergarten and lower primary, my teachers always told me that my father was my bestfriend. My superhero. My role model. 

Sure, that young, i believed that that was true. So i told you many things, my feelings and my thoughts. And each time you never fail to shoot me down. You broke my heart many times when i was really young. When i was impressionable. 

you do have your good points. But as  i was growing up, i saw how you treated my siblings. I saw how whenever i stood up and protected them when you beat them, you continued beating me for doing that non stop. 

I remember how you made me strip naked and threw hot milo on me. 

I remember how you slapped me with a shoe in public. 

I remember how you slapped me till my mouth bled. 

I remember how you canned me 99 times, each stripes down my back. 

I remember you forcing me to stay awake until 1am when i was in p4 to do your work and how you hit my hand whenever i made a mistake. 

I remember how you threw all my books in my face and how it knocked me over. 

I remember how you used a belt to whip me. 

I remember all the crude and harsh words you used against me. Your own child. 

I remember you caning my hands till it trembled non stop.

I remember you slapping my head whenever i couldn't grasp a topic.

I remember how you always insulted me. 

It really hurts alot. It really does. I couldn't understand why wasn't my father the way how my teachers thought he should be. I couldn't understand why my friends were so happy around their fathers while the only emotion i felt was fear. 

I am a product of your upbringing. Your words affected how i thought of myself. Your actions made me who i am today. And you broke me apart so badly. And i would never be okay. 

What is leadership?

I learned that leadership is hard. Karl von Clausewitz once said that “everything in war is easy, but the easy things are difficult.” Leadership sounds easy in the books, but it is quite difficult in real life. I learned that leadership is difficult because it is a human interaction and nothing, nothing is more daunting, more frustrating more complex than trying to lead cadets in tough times. Those leaders that do it well earn your respect, because doing it poorly is common place. You will be challenged to do it well.

I learned that taking care of cadets is not about coddling them. It is about challenging them. Establishing a standard of excellence and holding them accountable for reaching it.

Rudyard Kipling, the great British storyteller, poet and soldier once wrote, in part,

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowances for their doubting too.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.

Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it and which is more–you’ll be a man my son.”

If you can’t stomach failure, then you will never be a great leader.

Loving someone who has walls up is not a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away.

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck — you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing.

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn.

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far.

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist.

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it

Shiffa

A still framed photograph of you, and me together
Is all I have of me and you anymore,
We were so in love and we thought it'd last forever
But in the storm, we were torn ...

And I won't forget you, don't regret you
And the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you,
And i wonder why we both walked away
I'm lost without you, still crazy for you,
Just turn around, come back because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you ...

If I'd only knew the words to say that would make you turn around (turn around)
I'd say those words to you more than a million times,
It's been forever, but that hasn't changed what you mean to me
Darling can't you see? 

That I won't forget you, don't regret you
And the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you,
And i wonder why we both walked away (We walked away)
I'm lost without you, still crazy for you,
Just turn around, come back because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you ...

I'm sorry for all I did, what I said and things I hid,
I'm finally over me..
Is that too late for you?
I can't imagine where I'd be
If you had never rescued me
You gave hope to live, now I need you,
'Cause I need you!

And I won't forget you, don't regret you
And the hardest thing I've had to do is live without you,
And i wonder why we both walked away. (Walked away)
I'm lost without you, still crazy for you,
Just turn around, come back because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you ...

I'm a guy. I'm not a girl. I'm wired differently.

I was a guy before i got into a R/S and being in a R/S doesn't make me anymore less of a guy. And that means i'll still look at girls. I'll still be attracted to those that catch my attention. I'll still talk about girls to girls that i trust. 

Why? Because i'm a guy. Don't go all ape shit on me, saying that because i'm in a R/S, i shouldn't be doing all this and that. This is the way most if not all guys are wired. we do LOOK at girls and those that deny it, well go screw yourself. 

I believe that as a guy i shouldn't be restricted to look at whatever i want. If it affects my relationship, then it just shows that i'm not true to my girlfriend and i'm not certain of my feelings.  But the thing is, i AM perfectly aware of my feelings. Sure, sometimes i might get interested in other girls, but its purely on a friend to friend basis, based on my desire to lnow them more. 

If a girl can fangirl about any male idols they want, why can't guys do the same?

Gender inequality, that is. 

50 Facts about me

I deleted some of the questions because its too stupid hahahh so here goes :)

1:Name

Low Wei Jun, Ernest

2:Age

17

3: Fears

I HAVE ALOT OK IM SCARED OF BUTTERFLIES COCKROACHES FOR STARTERS 

4: things I love

Food, running, friends

5: turns on

i like people who smell good, i like people who are sincere and well i like nice people

6: turns off

well whatever that doesn't turn me on turns me off

7:My best friend

hehehe carolyn

8:Sexual orientation

i like boobs if you are curious

9:My best first date

hahahahhaha my first date was super dumb im pretty sure it was me and my ex exploring singapore?

10:How tall am I

178cm :D

11:What do I miss

Well..... a few people. 

12:What time were I born

I think it was in the afternoon

13:Favourite color

No particular color that i like but i usually would go for blue/red/green.

14:Do I have a crush

NOPE!

15:Favourite quote

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

- Osho

16:Favourite place

Any library! 

17:Favourite food

I like bak chor mee but i don't mind pasta too!

18:Do I use sarcasm

Only to particular people.

19:What am I listening to right now

All of me

20:First thing I notice in new person

Their eyes. 

21:Shoe size

10 :D

22:Eye color

My gf says its dark brown but i think its black

23:Hair color

Mainly black with some shades of brown

24:Favourite style of clothing

Smart casual or anything comfortable. 

25:Ever done a prank call?

LOL PLENTY

31:How I feel right now

Mostly happy with a dose of sadness.

32:Someone I love

Maisaraaaaah

33:My current relationship status

Attached

34:My relationship with my parents

Messed up

35:Favourite holiday

Korea 2010

39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?

She does, i don't.

40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Goodnight yes

41:Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Yeezzz

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Usually 25 minutes

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

Do guys need to???

45:Where am I right now?

I think i'm in a place called home. 

47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

LOUD

48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Yes sigh

49:Am I excited for anything?

I get excited really easily if thats what you

50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to

Yup!